empty

I didn't think I'd ever feel this way, but then there are a lot of things that have happened in the last few years that I never thought would happen. It's a very long way between an army of good friends and companions to where I am now, and I've been on the path for a long time.

Hindsight is 20/20. You can't see it starting when it starts. I stepped onto this path with the assumption that my friends are my family and that I would always have them, just as a person always has their family--or should, almost no matter what they do or who they are. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? I've always thought that that was how it's supposed to work, but then again I don't have anything to go on there. I divorced almost my entire family when I was a kid.

Tomorrow is my 39th birthday. Yesterday I picked up a big nugget of brown turkish hash as a birthday present to myself. I couldn't smoke the whole thing in a day, let alone a week. I really like bounty though, so seeing a lot of something makes me happy. There's something profoundly sweet about a thing that won't run out for a long time. I've had the sort of life so far where everything is on a timer. There is no permanency anywhere in it. All things to me are transient and temporary, so it's generally best to not get too attached to any of them. I'll attach to some things though; the things that there's an obviously large supply of, such that I have lots of warning before they're gone.

I have no set plans for tomorrow. I had plans a couple of months ago though. I was to go to a day spa with my girlfriend and be treated to relaxation and de-stressing with her. I've been pretty stressed out lately and it was a thoughtful gift. But between then and now my relationship with her detonated, as I truthfully knew from the very beginning it would, and the gift evaporated.

Tomorrow I'll have my hash and omlette in the morning, and coffee, and I'll feed the cats and watch a little morning news. After that I'll probably go sit in the park by the dog run and watch the dogs play for a bit. I'll have to start pretending it's some other day pretty early on, or I'm sure to humiliate myself.

I really don't mind getting older. But as I do year after year, I see fewer and fewer people around me. For a variety of reasons, but mostly because I've been inattentive and distant, I've lost all of the friends I had ten years ago, and most of the ones I had four years ago. And with the loss of a girlfriend/companion and those environs, I'm looking around now and realizing that I've become quite alone.

Who am I typing at?

No one in particular I guess. I just wanted the Universe to know that this year I will not be experiencing a deep embrace from someone I love on my birthday, which is the only thing I ever want on my birthdays. I understand, Universe, that it's my fault. I've made some terrible decisions and stuck with them knowing that they were terrible decisions. I've been pigheaded and short-sighted and quick with judgements.

Everything that's happened has happened as a result of something I've done. I am not a victim here.

I'm just regretful and lonely.

My cat lately has been curling up on my lap and sleeping--which is something she's never done in almost twenty years of life. She's also been vocalizing strangely, in sort of a needy way and staring at me a lot. She's not eating much. I think she's not much longer for this world, and I think spending my 39th birthday with her might finally be a good decision.