Three Queers

I wrote this yesterday, but I was too high to remember to post it by the time I finished. Instead I went up to the roof and listened to an old man tell me stories.

On today, the day of my birth 39 years ago, I have decided to finally make a list of things about myself which I've suspected for a long time are not normal, so that I can start to turn this weird sort of sketch that I've been working on in my mind into something a little more focused. An inward guide, I guess you could say.

Fuck you. My midlife crisis is MINE and no one else's. At least mine's about hash and introspection and not fast cars and loose women.

Hmm.

Anyway, here:

1. I exclusively think in pictures and sounds, never words or numbers or anything else. When I think of disliking someone, I imagine a tincture of sewage and mud spread out through my mind, flies buzzing over it, and occasionally a bubble or two rising to the surface and popping disgustingly, or something at least in symbol reminiscent of that. I've talked to a lot of people who tell me that they think in language or a combination of language and pictures, sometimes sounds, but I've not met anyone yet who thinks entirely without language. I'm very interested in why this is, and where the probably millions of people are who think in the same fashion.

2. My dreams are four dimensional. I used to think everyone's were, but when I go into a lot of detail about a dream to someone else, I have to explain to them that while I'm moving around from place to place in my dream I'm also going backwards and forwards and sideways in time too. Sometimes there's no time at all in one of my dreams, and I experience all of it simultaneously. I never tell anyone about those, because I can never explain them without frustrating myself.

3. My memory is compartmentalized and associated with emotion and geography. There are quite a few things that I can never recall unless I'm feeling the same way I was when I wrote them to my short-term memory, or unless (slighly less often) I'm physically in the same place as I was when it was pushed to short-term memory. I've gotten very good at dropping myself into different emotional states briefly in order to retrieve an important memory (where my keys are, when I paid my cell bill, stuff like that) and then jumping back out again into whatever my natural state is at the time. However, I've never looked in a mirror while doing this and I'm beginning to think my face might do something a bit untoward during a memory retrieval done this way. I get asked what the matter is a lot when I do it in front of someone.

These things are of course only very interesting to me, which is why I've made this post. I feel like I'm showing off a couple of exquisite examples from an enormous collection of glass telephone pole insulators, apologies to E. G. on that one. Still, I have a cold, cracked feeling about my impending midlife crisis, and my aim is to study the map (which I'm currently drawing) carefully before I take even one step forward.

empty

I didn't think I'd ever feel this way, but then there are a lot of things that have happened in the last few years that I never thought would happen. It's a very long way between an army of good friends and companions to where I am now, and I've been on the path for a long time.

Hindsight is 20/20. You can't see it starting when it starts. I stepped onto this path with the assumption that my friends are my family and that I would always have them, just as a person always has their family--or should, almost no matter what they do or who they are. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? I've always thought that that was how it's supposed to work, but then again I don't have anything to go on there. I divorced almost my entire family when I was a kid.

Tomorrow is my 39th birthday. Yesterday I picked up a big nugget of brown turkish hash as a birthday present to myself. I couldn't smoke the whole thing in a day, let alone a week. I really like bounty though, so seeing a lot of something makes me happy. There's something profoundly sweet about a thing that won't run out for a long time. I've had the sort of life so far where everything is on a timer. There is no permanency anywhere in it. All things to me are transient and temporary, so it's generally best to not get too attached to any of them. I'll attach to some things though; the things that there's an obviously large supply of, such that I have lots of warning before they're gone.

I have no set plans for tomorrow. I had plans a couple of months ago though. I was to go to a day spa with my girlfriend and be treated to relaxation and de-stressing with her. I've been pretty stressed out lately and it was a thoughtful gift. But between then and now my relationship with her detonated, as I truthfully knew from the very beginning it would, and the gift evaporated.

Tomorrow I'll have my hash and omlette in the morning, and coffee, and I'll feed the cats and watch a little morning news. After that I'll probably go sit in the park by the dog run and watch the dogs play for a bit. I'll have to start pretending it's some other day pretty early on, or I'm sure to humiliate myself.

I really don't mind getting older. But as I do year after year, I see fewer and fewer people around me. For a variety of reasons, but mostly because I've been inattentive and distant, I've lost all of the friends I had ten years ago, and most of the ones I had four years ago. And with the loss of a girlfriend/companion and those environs, I'm looking around now and realizing that I've become quite alone.

Who am I typing at?

No one in particular I guess. I just wanted the Universe to know that this year I will not be experiencing a deep embrace from someone I love on my birthday, which is the only thing I ever want on my birthdays. I understand, Universe, that it's my fault. I've made some terrible decisions and stuck with them knowing that they were terrible decisions. I've been pigheaded and short-sighted and quick with judgements.

Everything that's happened has happened as a result of something I've done. I am not a victim here.

I'm just regretful and lonely.

My cat lately has been curling up on my lap and sleeping--which is something she's never done in almost twenty years of life. She's also been vocalizing strangely, in sort of a needy way and staring at me a lot. She's not eating much. I think she's not much longer for this world, and I think spending my 39th birthday with her might finally be a good decision.

I don't hate you all anymore

It's true.

I'm not saying that I love you either. You don't deserve it.

There's a single line from a monologue in a movie that I'm embarrassed to admit that I've seen over seventeen thousand times. Here it is:

"I spy a family"

Two days ago, probably 20 years after I first heard that line, I was sitting in the Ramble in Central park, looking at the boat pond, watching people rowing. Its meaning wound up and punched me right in the throat.

And today I'm beginning to feel a little sick.

Sarah Palin BDSM

From: me
To: a guy I know who produces hardcore BDSM porn

When am I gonna see a chick in Sarah Palin glasses hogtied and choking on cock?
-----

From: a guy I know who produces hardcore BDSM porn
To: me

Weird, we shot it last night. I don't think the glasses really add the "punishment fuck" angle we were going for at all. Tell me what you think.

If you've found this place...

then you don't need to know the prices.

This is my real blog, which I've just now decided to create as a homage to the last real blog I had, which was a live journal by the name of "luxxx". I tossed up anything I goddamn well felt like in those days, and have regretted it every minute since.

But since I'm quite comfortable (thanks for asking) living in a very small bucket of regret and ennui and also since I've been denying myself the gratification of *really enjoying them* for a number of years, I've decided that I deserve much better. Therefore this blog, where I may wallow in my own leakage unmolested, except by occasionally perceptive comments concerning my sexual orientation.

I've been getting into a lot of anthropomorphilia lately, by the way.